I'm a Yeller

Ya'll.  We are struggling here.

You can see the happy moments.  I litter them on Facebook and Instagram.  There are many of them.  That isn't fake  There are SO MANY OF THEM.

But then, there are the other moments.  #fakenews

I don't come from a family of yellers.  I'm not genetically a yeller.

People?  It turns out I'm a yeller.

Oif.  I am SO NOT A YELLER.

I remember the first (and probably only time) Shawn and I got in a real fight.  It was while dating.  It was a doozy.  I probably was justified in yelling. Saying that covers me in glory.  So OF COURSE I was justified in yelling.

And afterwards?  I shook for like 36 hours.  I don't think I had ever yelled in my life.

I'm a pretty gray zone gal.  I can see both sides of all the things. I can thoughtful inquiry with the best of them.

Parenting though?

The last year has been a kick in the face.

Maybe the first way-station was at the "Montessori Discipline" workshop at school.  So many lovely tools were presented.  I gleefully knew that I was a authoritative, not authoritarian, not permissive parent.  I was setting boundaries.  Everyone was responding.  WE ARE SO GOOD AT THIS.

We get to tools.  One word.  Repeated calmly.

"Come".  Or "Now".  Or "Bed".  Or "Shoes".  Steel eyes.  Focus on the child.  Convey confident and meaning.

Ok, great.  Let's test these tools out.

LOOK!  THEY WORK!

When you are NOT trying to do shoes (times three).  NOW (times three).  Wicked smart kids (times three).

Ya'll.

I yell.

So much.

Too much.

And here I am, struggling mightily for kids to use words instead of emotions.

And me?  I'm leading with emotions.

And they are SIX.  And FOUR.  And TWO.

And so very good.  Until they just know when you needle in.

Kids.  So good at needling.

Except for when there's just that I'm-sure-totally-developmentally-appropriate-boundary-testing and I fear these are the moments they will remember.  Dragon Mom.

But our life is so on the margins.  When the schedule and plan and process doesn't play out, everything goes to yell.  We are so in the process right now.  School, work, FTA, soccer, lacrosse, early closures, pack lunch, make dinner, catch bus, walk dog, doctors appointments, teacher work days,  boy scouts, church... just life.

There's not much space.

R bounces back.  He's not so worried.  He doesn't have an internal voice inside that processes right and wrong.  That makes me worry in the long term big time.

AH processes so deeply.  She hears EVERY WORD I SAY.  She stays up worrying.  She makes up songs about how "there are other ways to show we are strong than trying to pick up people"... and "I knew I chose wrong, I know how to choose right".  I hear them but not in front of me.

And James is so chilly willy still, but watching choices being made, and being two, just testing what is doable.

Tell me you yell.

Tell me how to fix this.

How can I be a yeller for the first time with the kids?

How do I feel better other than THROWING EVERYTHING AWAY #AskMeAboutTodaysGiantPurgeOfThings

Ask me about avoiding situations that just might be a little too hard?

Tell me I'm not alone.