I wasn't ready for that tiny voice after these last ten days.
I picked them up early, soccer dinners in tow, drove around to the other carpool line so she could run inside to change for soccer.
While one boy declared soccer dinner of maple soy salmon his very favorite meal ever and the other was happy to see I had secretly packed him a sunbutter sandwich after he made the earnest go of the salmon.
She ran in.
And came back out dressed.
And declared "You look happy today Mama!"
Me: OIFFFFFFFFFFFF
First thought: "How do I look all the other days?!?!"
Second: "Not today. Seriously"
Last week, a seriously traumatic medical issue with a client while with them. Long term implications. Heavy emotional load.
Nights of anxious sleeping and worrying about that.
Awful weekend for myriad reasons.
Busy season at work, and always feeling like I'm not giving enough and worrying about that.
Family norovirus over the weekend and worrying about that.
Not feeling quite right since yesterday morning, realizing its dehydration but diagnosing myself with having a heart attack for 36 hours straight (and counting) and worrying about that.
Googling all the things, locking myself into the office medical suite with the blood pressure cuff and worrying about that.
Waking this morning and pushing through, as you do with a couple days of planned leave on the table, after an unexpected one with sick kids earlier in the week and worrying about that.
Dropping them off at school. It's Palentines Day and one left all their cards in the car, and do we sort natural consequences and save and worrying about that.
Still not feeling great and getting to work, and realizing you are everything the pandemic didn't teach about being in person when sick, and deciding to deliver the damn Valentines, work from home and and worrying about that.
Getting home to see that ugh was a real fever, but deadlines season is COMING AT YOU FAST and worrying about that.
Plowing through the Zooms, congratulating yourself on the decision to work from home, but worrying that your next 5-7 days of planned not in person isn't going to be great and worrying about that.
Cooking said healthy dinner (with the secret covert sunbutter sandwich) whilst on said Zoom that you had to move to your phone because of course your home internet went out and worrying about that.
And you pick them up "early", give some extra time to get where you need to be and her first observation is "you look so happy Mom!"
HOT TIP: NOT SO HAPPY.
LIKE "HOLY ^%&T HOW ARE YOU READING HAPPY???"
I can't even imagine what that look was. Because it felt like exhausted-dejected-notenough-fullplate- opentabsinbrainbrowser abject resignation exhaustion.
I MEAN HOW DO I LOOK ALL THE OK WEEKS?!?!? Also, I have a FEVER AND A STRESS AND A WTF UNIVERSE.
But hey. Ya'll. Let's remember all the tiny, open, vulnerable hearts with non formed pre-frontal cortexes. [TBH, still gonna worry about that]
But they see that. They see things.
And frankly, she lifted me with her TOTALLY WRONG happy assessment and I leaned into it.
I sat in the rain and the fresh air and the friendship on the soccer sideline this evening and some joyful ridiculous text chains from my friends and reminded my resilient self that it is always another day. For them, and for us.
