Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The Truth Is....

The truth is?

I'm scared schizzles about the newborn phase hitting again with full force like it did last time.

I'm a fairly decent mom, but the newborn phase? 

I'm just no good at it.

I need sleep.  I can't exist without sleep.  I start losing my brain and my ration and my sensible thoughts when I'm not sleeping enough.  I over think, I over react, I get miserable and I'm just in general a big ol crankpants.

And Robbie?  He was amazing.  Slept through the night before any baby should, frankly.  We were spoiled.

And now?  Are we seriously somewhere between 12 hours and 6 days away from doing this all over again?  With a 15 month old?  An active, walking, opinionated 15 month old who has no idea that his apple cart is about to be turned over?  A 15 month old that we have NO WAY to prepare for the fake that his whole world is about to change?

My mom, who is a schmoopy Grandma, asked a few weeks ago if I'm scared my heart won't have the capacity to handle the love for both. 

Honestly? I just don't operate like that. 

I'm not guided by schmoop or emotions or thinking about emotional capacity, or dealing with emotional capacity.

I live in the tangibles of life. 

Always have.

The tangible that I'm remembering?  The PTSD of the first few months.  The not knowing when it was going to get better, and how it was going to get better. 

It did get better.  Way better.

But was it PPD, or being a first time Mom, or is this something that everyone goes through?  I don't know. 

I just remember struggling mightily until the zazoo (see zazoo here: http://palmettobaby.blogspot.com/2011/10/zazoo.html  )  and carrying a load of "OMG, I'm the worst person ever for going through all the angst and work and money to get pregnant and I'm not even enjoying this time.

Is my perspective better going into BE2? 

I'd like to think so. 

I'd like to HOPE I don't obsess about feeding and weight checks and what all the other Moms are doing and just go with what I have learned over the last 15 months in knowing that being a good parent is about doing what works best for you, the baby, and your family.

But who knows. 

The truth is, I just need to remember the getting better and not the I-am-in-the-throws-of-holy-hell-what-am-I-doing-who-gave-me-a-baby-ness.

Remind me of that over the next two months.


Cause the truth is... it gets better.

Way better.

1 comment:

  1. Seriously: I'm in awe of your bravery and willingness to confront newbornhood again so soon! Don't worry: you're going to rock once again, but I'm sure it won't be easy. Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask your mom friends for some help. I've got a 15 month old who would welcome a playdate partner after all!