Monday, January 7, 2013

Even Cowboys Get the Blues

(Written on a morning after a night of less than three hours sleep.  Opinions and perspectives may change after a good nap.  Hopefully they change after a good nap!)

Even cowboys get the blues... right?

You have a baby. Everyone is telling you had great you are doing, how great you look.

You agree: It really is easier the second time around.

We have, by most measures, had a fairly easy road of parenting so far.  

But I am weary and feel the fog of winter and baby blues starting to set in and cloud my head.

I don't think it is any secret that I had PPD with Robbie.  I struggled to see it, admit it, identify it, but it was definitely there.  I felt like after three years of infertility, I had absolutely no authority, no reasoning and no chance of having babies blues.  But they were there. I said at the time it was PTSD.  The truth is probably not that far off.

But what do you do about it?  You organize mom meetups, try to set up lunches with friends.  Try to get out of the house.

We are a one-car family, and with Robbie going to daycare with Shawn in the morning, the vast majority of the time so far, I've been "stuck" here at the house.

It is just so hard to get out and about.  Remember to pack everything.  Wake up early enough to feed the baby so both Robbie and Shawn can get to school and work on time.  When you are tired, the prospect of logistics is soul crushing.

All the while, your friends lives carry on. 

They are doing fun things.  Interesting things even.

They get together to watch football games, go shopping, movies, restaurants, roadtrips.  They go to work every day and talk about adult things.  Interesting things.  Life.

And you realize you have no interesting things to talk about, because you have no life.

You make plans and then you cancel them because you are tired, and the prospect of getting everything together and correct to get out of the house is just so daunting.  It's easier to stay home.  But it isn't healthy.

Your "hangry" baby is a night owl, and likes to be hungry-angry from 8pm until god knows when.  Last night it was 3am.

And here you are.  Watching a House Hunters marathon even though you've already seen this episode three times.

The most uninteresting person in the world.

I'm lonely. I'm bored.  I'm feeling unlike myself... I wouldn't want to hang out with me either right now.

It gets better.  I know it does because it's been there.  But I told myself if I felt PPD creeping it, I'd admit it.  So here I am.  Admitting it.

It isn't rare.  It happens to so many people.

You out there that I know?  I know you had PPD and you never talked about it.  And you that did?  I'm glad you did.

Some of the best Moms I know have had PPD.  Some still have it.

Daisy's keeping an eye on it and now you are too. 

Thanks internets for keeping me accountable.


  1. Yeah, I think in the midst of all that loneliness I was experiencing, I kept telling myself "This is only going to last a little while. Push through it." That mentality saved me in school with the semester to semester mentality, and I think it saved me during the early baby days (heck, even now my mantra is that!)

    Love your honesty!

  2. you certainly hit the nail on the head.